Ah, Colorado; a last refuge for nature and wilderness. With countless sprawling acres of protected lands, 53 fourteener mountain peaks and enough beautiful scenery to make a blind man cry, it exists solely for you … to have sex on.
Nature is so prevalent in Colorado that there are plenty of spots to deflower, which is more than can be said about most girls in Fort Collins. But why risk the threat of poison oak on your taint or porcupine quills in your babymaker? We’ll tell you why. Nature sex is amazing because it brings everyone back to a primitive state where, after hiking and climbing for miles, they’re reduced to hormone-driven fluid dispensers. Hot. Plus, nature sex is where you can lay next to a Brook, crawl on top of a Savannah and be naked under Sky without being in a strip club.
It’s always been around, even in the Bible, when Moses “came down the mountain” (there’s actually a lesson in there to “pull out down wind.”) And with landmark names like Long’s Peak, Mount Lindsey, Handies Peak and Mount Elbert, Colorado is pretty much begging you to do cocaine and orgasm up there.
Now that you’re all hot and bothered, it’s time to tell you some rules for getting back to nature, in nature.
1. Go slow
Up high on the mountain peaks, the air is thinner than your wallet after you bought jello shots for everyone at the frat house. And if you didn’t already get winded after sex at sea level, you’re gonna wheeze like the weird kid in high school. Take it slow, and you won’t have to descend the mountain in a body bag.
Avoid the post-sex cigarette as well. Not only are your lungs already hurting for oxygen, but any spark in the wild could burn the forest worse than your knees on a shag carpet. It may look like you’re giving a robot a BJ, but go for a vape instead.
2. Foreplay is always important
Foreplay in nature is important. Remember to work all areas of her boob or his balls; that’s the true meaning of global warming. And, foreplay in nature is easier than it is within the confines of your dorm bunk; you’re already hot and sweaty, so half the work is done for you.
Take your time, because those 50mph winds will force you to explain yourself like you just got out of a pool. And remember: foreplay is mental. Try saying things like “How can we fill the forest with even more wood?” to turn each other on.
3. You don’t need a GPS to find your perfect position
For amateur hikers, 69 is the best position for nature sex. It’s not just because it feels great … but because you can both still watch for bears. Being aware and staying protected is key. Remember to practice the “Leave No Trace” principle; either you swallow, or spit into a Ziploc bag and pack out. No man left behind!
4. Doggy style is experienced hiker’s secret weapon
It’s called the “back country” for a reason, you guys. Sure, when you do it doggy style, you’re both unprotected from the behind, but that’s your fault for forgetting condoms.
In nature, the standing-up variation of doggy is easiest; just post up with the lady facing a tree and using it for support, and the guy can back door it with his hands on the tree as well. It’s kind of like the tree is the third in your threesome, but it sure as shit won’t stay for breakfast the next morning.
Doggy style is also great because you can point to scenery and the other person can see it with you. Enjoy views of the river to encourage her to gush, point out the mountain lion so he’ll hurry up. It’s also the gentleman’s position; if you’re both going to get eaten by a bear, it’s the only time a guy should come first.
6. Avoid missionary position
In back country Colorado, “missionary position” isn’t sexual, it’s about converting Native Americans to Christianity before stealing their land. Plus, think how awful it would be if one of you got poison ivy on their back … in that one Bermuda Triangle of a place that you just can’t scratch
7. Don’t be mountin’ on a mountain
Sex at high altitude has one major rule: only quickies above the tree line. You never know when a random scattered lightening storm can move in and strike. Although, getting hit by lightening might be most guys’ only chance at actually making a girl cum.
However, getting hit by lightening does have its benefits … it’s a great excuse to cry afterward. If she doesn’t believe it’s because of the lightening, you can also tell her nature is so beautiful you just couldn’t handle it. It might be the only time a girl calls you “The Flash” in a good way
8. Campsites mean you’re not having sex, you’re marking your territory
There are plenty of great places to have sex at your campsite. If you’re feeling romantic you two can lay on some soft moss. That also means she can get on top and you wont have to worry about pulling a rock out of any holes.
If you’re into a little pain and domination, try having sex against a tree. Don’t worry about splinters, it’s not the first time she’s had to pull small wood out of her and it ruined the moment. Always go against a birch tree if you can find it; not only is it more comfortable, but it’s fun to see that James <3’s Amanda so much he carved that while he could have been having sex with her instead. Maybe James and Amanda would still be together if he was banging her instead of playing with wood.
9. This should go without saying, but no foot fetishes in nature
Okay, yeah, a mild foot massage after a long day of hiking is bearable, but feet get battered out hiking in the wild. Getting a foot job from someone whose feet have blood blisters is like jerking off to snuff porn … you’re a monster. After 12 miles wrapped in cotton and stuffed in a damp shoe, boots should probably still be worn while knocking boots for smell purposes. Everything is a little ripe to begin with from not showering, so let’s stay as far away from stink glands that have toes attached to them.
10. Pitch all the tents
You’re already crammed in so tightly that being inside someone is an excuse to save four to nine inches of space. Tent sex should be open air only; nothing smells worse than being in a nylon-walled clam box scientifically designed to keep the heat in. It smells like the inside of a fat man’s poncho after he’s walked a mile in the rain. A great choice in tents is the Passage 2 by REI, it has an open air top and sides, but a great rain fly for privacy getting frisky on long family vacations, or when you’re camping around swingers.
11. Get your own rocks off
Since there’s a “no porn” rule in nature, you may have to get creative if your partner fell off a cliff or succumbed to dysentery. But that’s okay, because nature is notorious for growing phallic-shaped objects. If you’re horny enough, mountains will look like boobs. Throw a stick in a canyon, watch a snake slither back into a hole … nature is literally a sexy beast. Women have it lucky masturbating in the wild. There’s minimal clean-up and if an animal comes along, it looks like a sign of aggression.
So there you have it. Banging in nature is born into us, not having sex in nature is like denying evolution. People who deny evolution don’t even have sex unless its for procreation. We were meant to bang in nature, that’s why we have so little feeling in our knees and elbows. Be brave, you have a huge array of things with six legs ready to make your skin crawl worse than a bad one night stand.